I have had a reoccurring dream about screaming and no sound coming out. It has happened a few times, each time in a different way. One time, I was on a roller coaster and I tried to scream like I did as a child going down the hill and nothing came out. Another time I had a dream someone was attacking me and I couldn’t scream for help. Over the years I have talked quieter and quieter. It hurts to talk because the sound is too loud inside my head. I’m not sure if not being able to scream is a metaphor for how this monster makes me want to scream in pain and anger or the fact that it has taken my volume away.
Since these dreams I have learned that I, indeed, can scream. I woke up one night screaming into my pillow. When I say screaming, I mean bloody murder torture didn’t know a sound like that could come out of my mouth screaming. I was fortunate enough that I was doing it face down into my pillow and mattress without awaking my children and neighbors. When I came out of my sleeping screaming state and realized where I was I reached for the phone to call my mom. My husband was out of town and I needed my mom to make sure if something happened to me my children were primarily taken care of and secondary I was looked after. At that point I realized that I could not speak. I was able to squeak out a “maaaw” sound and my mom instantly told me she was on her way. I won’t go into the days of sheer mind bending pain that I lived in afterwards. My children and I moved in with my parents because I basically slipped in and out of consciousness until my migraine finally broke. I have had hundreds of migraines, if not thousands and a few of them really are life changing. This was one of them. Since then I have not had a dream about not being able to scream. It was better when I didn’t know because now the sound of my screams haunts me.