Fear as a mother and migraine sufferer

As a migraine sufferer I have never been afraid of my disease.  I think if I got it later in life, I’d be terrified by the future with it.  But being that I don’t know life without it, I’m not scared of it itself.  I’ve been afraid while in the throes of an attack.  I’ve been afraid that the pain will never stop, that it could possibly get worse when I was already experiencing something I didn’t think I could handle and that I was experiencing brain damage that would be life altering.  I’ve even been afraid that I wouldn’t make it out alive…literally.  But as for daily living, I don’t live in fear.  I prepare myself with medication that I carry, avoid my triggers the best that I can, and pray.

All that changed when I had kids.  With my children came two different fears that I had never known before.  One being for myself and the most important being for them.

1. It’s not that I never valued myself before I had children but it just didn’t dawn on me my importance in the world.  When I was younger I felt invincible and thought that I would outgrow my migraines or a cure would be found.  As an adult I was only responsible for myself.  Once my babies came, my world got flipped upside down.  I was now responsible for these beautiful lives that I had created and no matter how sick I was, they would still need me.  All I want to be is Super Mom for my kids.  I don’t want them to see me bawled up on the couch screaming, or throwing up and crawling to my bed.  I don’t want them to see me cry, see me in pain or see me as anything but their protector.  As a stay at home mom it isn’t easy for me to have other people take care of my kids.  Giving over my role is difficult and something I don’t like to do.  I’m fortunate enough to know that they are always well taken care of and loved but as I lay in my room I am striving to get better for them.  They don’t deserve a sick mom and I don’t intend on being one.  I started taking care of myself and monitoring more closely once I had them.  Although they have many who love them, no one loves them like I do and they will never love anyone like they love me.  Everyone needs a mother and it’s my fear that I won’t be able to be there when they need me.

  1. My biggest fear in life is that I’ve given this monster to my angels.  With tears streaming down my face I can say that I lay in bed most nights fearing that it resides inside them waiting to attack.  Never leave me alone in a car because I will inevitably be bawling by the time I get to my destination.  While some women wonder what their sweet baby will look like while they are pregnant, I begged God not to give my babies migraines.  My grandmothers had them, my mother had them and I have been cursed with them.  I started getting them when I was 5 and my daughter turns 4 at the end of the month.  I’ve already talked to her pediatrician and my neurologist about my fears.  I have been doing research about anti inflammatory foods that help and major trigger foods to avoid other than my own.  I cook really clean and healthy for my entire family and read the labels on the foods that we buy carefully.  I am teaching them good habits and choices when it comes to health.   I am hoping that living defensively will help.  I can’t change the make-up of my children’s brains, but it is my hope to keep their brains from “firing” off these attacks the best that I can.  It’s a topic I plan on continuing the conversation about on this blog.  About what foods and drinks are best.  The physical activities that are helpful and everything that comes with overall well being.  I LOVE to eat and have never gone the “diet” route with my migraines.  I still eat junk food but it’s when the kids are in bed and my bad choices only effect me.  I’m not crazy about it, but I figure I make the majority of the meals for my family and do the grocery shopping so while they are with me, I’m giving them something to make their bodies feel good.  So I’m on a journey of healthful living to contain the beast the best I can for both my children and myself.  I’ve turned my fear into motivation…..but don’t get me wrong, I’m crying because I’m scared!

 

….to be continued and discussed later

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One thought on “Fear as a mother and migraine sufferer

  1. Pingback: Throwback Thursday “fear as a mother” | My Migraine Life

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