Starting school, making friends and my hopes for my children’s future

As the school year begins, I have been thinking about my childhood a lot.  I actually have a friend who I have had since I was 5 and a neighbor that became family when I was in 4th grade.  Since then, I have gathered a great group that have made me who I am today.  My “oldest” friends are the ones who know a little piece of me that no one else knows does. They have been there since the beginning.

As the school year begins I think about how my children are starting their “beginning.”  When they go to school they hopefully will find forever friends like I did.  All too soon they will be listening to those friends more than they listen to me and that is terrifying.  Other influences will guide them through school, sports, nights out, big dances, academics and everywhere in between.

These are the people that they will laugh, cry, and grow with.  They will think that the world has ended with a break up and think that missing a party will ruin their lives forever.  They will lie to me, hide things from me, and grow in a blink of an eye.  I just pray that we have raised them well and that their choices in friends have had the same.

They are growing up in a world that is filled with so many more challenges than I ever had to face.  I think we are the first generation to say, it was easier when we grew up.  Social media didn’t run our lives.  Our bullies said it to our faces.  As cruel as it was, it wasn’t the massive amounts of people who can hide behind a screen to say words that crush someone’s soul.

Our football players fought with their fists.  Now they fight with guns.  I wasn’t fearful for my safety.  Columbine shook our lives with the unheard of massacre of many.  Now it’s a part of life that you can’t fly, go to school, the movies, work or a playground without being on high alert.

We didn’t sit at home searching the internet.  We were out riding our bikes and playing endless hours of baseball.  My neighbors watched me and an army of adults were in contact with my parents.  I was held accountable for my actions by everyone.

If I got in trouble at school, I would be sure to hear about it when I came home.  Being a teacher, my student’s parents would blame me for their child’s actions.  They had  little follow through with accountability thus raising an entitled generation with little remorse.

I trusted the teachers and coaches that I spent countless hours with to strengthen and make me a better person.  Are teachers even allowed to do that anymore, or do they just hand them standardized tests?

The only person taking pictures of me was taken by my mom to be put into a family album, not spread on the internet for the world to see.  I grew up with privacy and felt safe.  I have happy, happy memories of my adolescence but remember it not being easy.

My children’s lives will not just be uneasy, it will hands down to hard.  And as a mom I’m so worried about it all.  Right now their tiny hands fit in mine when we cross the street and I pick their play dates.

Some day they will be embarrassed of me and go places that I’m not sure exactly what that they are  doing.  At that point I will rely on the way that we have raised them and their  forever friends that they have chosen.

My babies will always be my babies and they will be thrown into a grown up world well before they will be ready.   As my daughter stands before me in her princess dress I can practically see it as a homecoming dress. I can only hope she wants a beautiful ball gown that makes her glow from the inside out instead of a skimpy dress that she feels appropriate in this overly sexualized world.

As my son runs around in his super hero shirt, I pray he will be safe and this world won’t need saving.  He thinks he can fly and has super strength.   He already has made everyone’s lives better that knows him.  I just hope his ambition and spirit never fades.

I see their innocent smiles and I just want to freeze these moments in time so I never have to see them cry.  I just want to hold them and keep them with me forever.  But I know I can’t do this.  I want and need them to find those forever friends to be something that I can’t.

I need my daughter to understand that although boys are great, every girl needs really good friends.  Men try their best to figure us out, but friends don’t need to.  They just get it!

Their friends will get them through things that really matter when they really matter.  I want them to accumulate all of the wonderful memories that I had and continue to have with my friends that I love so much.

I don’t feel old enough to say that I have friendships almost 30 years but I do.  I’m not sad about my age.  I am proud that I have achieved so much and created so many important relationships during this time.  I’m so happy that I am secure, confident, loved and stable in so many ways.

I no longer have people in my life that are unimportant and as a girl it takes a long time to be happy with yourself and I am.    Life can be so hard yet so wonderful.  I can just pray that my children find people to get through the hard parts of life that I can’t be there for and make the wonderful memories all that sweeter.

May they grow to be happy and healthy.  May they find forever friends who guide them to make good choices and as they guide others.  May they laugh and value people for who they are inside.  May they teach others while they learn so many lessons.   And please God, may they be safe!  As they leave my nest of safety I trust you will watch over them and that the good people of this world will do the same.

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Laziness with Migraine

Oooooh laziness.  I am constantly fearful that I am seen as lazy.  I run a marathon and some days an iron man inside my body every day.  I am a stay at home mom and I work HARD.  I really think my job is one of the most under respected jobs.  Then again I used to be a teacher and got paid close to nothing to change children’s lives.  So I’m used to it.

I am physically active all day.  I carry a 25+ pound child on my hip while I do dishes, laundry, vacuum, cook, and clean.  I run errands constantly getting kids in and out of the car along with carrying a purse that might as well be called luggage.  I do swim lessons, library classes, play dates, art projects, playgrounds, walks and bike rides.  All of this while in some sort of varying pain.

It’s exhausting.  I will say over and over and over again that pain is exhausting.  It’s depressing and exhausting but when I live with  it every day and I just cope and keep on moving.  I really don’t know any better.  I am tired All…The..Time…  My head pain makes me want to lay down constantly.  My neck and shoulder pain are never relieved from the heavy lifting I do.  But mostly it’s just this internal exhaustion of fighting.

My doctor once told me that my migraines put my body into a fight or flight kind of state.  When I’m higher than a 7 my body succumbs to the pain and it forces me to become completely consumed with it.  My old self flies away and gives in.  When I’m at a 2-7 I fight.  I’m not lazy.  I’m actually the opposite.  I think a lot of people think of me as sitting on the couch eating bon bons and watching my soap opera because I stay at home.  A form of laziness, right?!

Just another misconception.  When I ask for my husband to get me some water while I’m on the couch at the end of the day, I’m not lazy.  I’m stopping the pain from rushing through me just because I’m going from laying down to standing up.  He sits at a desk all day and I’ve walked up and down the stairs 100 times.  He doesn’t see me as lazy, but why does society?

I lay in bed with a million things rushing through my mind at night and sometimes in the morning before the rest of my house has awakened.  My job is never done, I don’t get to be lazy.  Between the mental battle of teaching a toddler patience, calming a tantruming 3 year old and my fight with migraines  I’m not sure how anyone would see me as anything but a warrior.  Just tack on another stigma for us migraine sufferers.  Lazy.  HA!  I’m a fighter!!!